Need support right now
So I am graduating in 2 weeks (actually less-5/8/2010 to be exact) from college with my 4-year Bac. degree, which took me over a decade to get. My mom just now informs me that my younger brother isn't coming, because he needs the money and is choosing to work that day instead. I think there are other reasons why he doesn't want to come. He is my only sibling.
My mom who is widowed (my dad passed away when I was 16) and lives alone (I live about 1/2 hour drive away) is giving me a hard time about me not helping her with a community garage sale a few blocks away. I don't want to because she can be a toxic person to be around (she has mental illness and many medical problems), and can't hear what I say since her hearing has been compromised the last couple of years. I feel like I can't talk to her without yelling all the time, and I have hypersensitive hearing. She doesn't have money for a hearing aid, and Medicare and Medicaid don't cover one.
She can also be verbally and emotionally abusive if I don't do what she wants or she doesn't get her way. In this conversation, she compared her garage sale with my graduation, called me a jerk and a hypocrite for choosing to participate in graduation but I feel I'll be too overwhelmed for a garage sale. For the record, I would attend if this were my mom's graduation whether or not I think I might get overloaded. Even though my mom and I have had these sort of disputes before, it still hurts to hear from my own mom more than I can express in words.
Recently I was officially diagnosed as having significant executive functioning and processing challenges, so I fear this kind of activity (the garage sale) would be extremely overwhelming if just the 2 of us was doing this, and there isn't anyone else. When I say things like this to her, she takes it like I'm just giving her excuses to not do things or help. I still have a few of my things in her house (in my old room which no one uses) but I need assistance to retrieve those things and I have to wait until that assistance is available. I don't want my mom to use the stuff as blackmail material against me (she'll sell it and keep all the money herself).
I find it difficult to find emotional support when I need it. I do have a therapist, a case mgr. and a life coach that helps with exec. functioning, but I can't access those people whenever I want-usually just when I have a scheduled appointment. I feel frustrated and alone and need ideas on how to cope. 
Sharon - those strategies sound WONDERFUL! I think I may need to start using those with certain people.
Excellent advice, Sharon! I'm all ears!
Katie,
Although our moms are quite different in some respects, I feel your pain. Or at least some of it. My mom can be toxic, and emotional hangovers from being with her can linger for weeks.
I've posted about her on other threads. It's a very long story. She has had a hard life, but in many ways, she has made it harder than it had to be. And as a child I lived through her comedy of errors, with good humor, I think, and a loving and forgiving heart.
Now that she is growing old, she is losing her grip with reality. It is painful to witness. No, it's not dementia, not yet, anyway. It's really the accumulative effect of all the stress in her life, and a type of nostalgia for her upbringing that she had originally rebelled against.
I find it hard to be around her and hard not to be around her as I do love her very much, and I do feel responsible. She's my mom, after all. I follow Sharon's advice and I do not let my mom say toxic or abusive or racist things to me. I walk away or call back later. I don't really tolerate any bad behavior from any family members.
The consequence of this is that I live a very separate life. I do have contact with my family. They are all my FB friends. I share openly with them. But I no longer expect to be their companion in life. That saddens me. But as a mom with other responsibilities, I simply cannot allow my family to pull me into their funk of negative thinking and blame seeking.
The good thing that comes from this is that the time I do spend with my family is accompanied by far more caution and diplomacy. They do not abuse me. While the price that I pay is that I see far less of them, I find the time we have together is more positive and rewarding for everyone.
Hi Katie,
I'm really sorry that you're going through this rough patch. I have a couple friends dealing with similar circumstances. I've spent the past two years brainstorming ideas with one of them on how to deal with a parent who sounds much like your mom. I'll outline a few strategies she uses, and hopefully you can tweak something for your situation.
Like you, my friend has Executive Functioning challenges (along with Sensory Processing Disorder.) With her parent being quite ill, she felt there was no choice for her, but to find a way with continuing to assist her parent (P) despite their inappropriate behaviors (ie: behaviors are a result of psychological problems.)
Below is an outline of how my friend defines her boundaries and coping skills with (P).
1. Only answer the phone to (P) when my personal & emotional/mental state is calm; and when energy level can absorb any unwanted language or attitude from (P). Otherwise, return calls when I have prepared myself for possible conflict.
2. Find a friend, neighbor, church member, club member, etc. who can be my buffer whenever in the presence of (P). [NOTE] Building a support system whereby you have a few different people to call upon will increase your odds of having someone available when you need them. This may take a while in order for you to build a reliable support system, and oftentimes this can be a difficult task to initiate for those of us with Executive Function challenges. My friend was especially challenged by this task, but she eventually developed an on call list.
EXAMPLE: Have your buffer with you when you assist your mom with her garage sale. Not only will this person be assisting you thus lessening the workload, but your mom may be less apt to treat you as disrespectfully in the presence of a person who is not only there as a favor to you, but helping her with the garage sale as well.
3. Give final answers. Do not engage in open ended conversations. [NOTE] This is a skill which is by far one of the most important to get right, because this will save more than half of your energy if you can master the technique.
EXAMPLE: With the knowledge that your mother is confrontational, do not respond in a manner which allows her to keep it going. If she insults you, do not react, reply, or respond. [not event to tell your mother that you will not respond]
My friend often says immediately following an insult from (P) "I will call you tomorrow to set a new time to finish helping you with this project." When my friend has her keys in her hand, and she is in the doorway ready to exit she says, "Please remember that I will not stay here at any time while you're insulting me."
We teach people (often from the moment we meet) how to treat us. With toxic people you can rarely teach them (as many are narcissist or sociopaths.) However, anyone can be trained, and even a toxic person will curtail their behaviors if they want or need your help. If they don't act appropriately, then the penalty is natural consequences - no help.
My friend's parent learned surprisingly fast that if they really wanted my friend's help on a specific day, they were forced to behave, or my friend was out the door.
Katie, all of this will take time for you to become comfortable doing. You will of course need to alter responses which fit the dynamics surrounding you and your mother's relationship.
It will be important for you to practice most of your responses ahead of time in order to be confident. Do you have a friend who can practice with you? I don't mind practicing with you, because as I said before, I've been doing this with my friend for two years now. (I'm one of my friend's buffers from time to time when at (P's) and for shopping with her parent as well. I've witnessed many different scenarios which I'd be happy to pass on.
I will send you a personal message (PM) here on our AWN site with my contact information.
*cyber hugs* & hang in there, I know it can be hard.
Sharon daVanport